- Leviticus 14:1-57
- Mark 6:30-56
- Psalm 40:1-10
- Proverbs 10:11-12
I’ve always been an overachiever. The first time I can look back on my life and recognize it was when I worked in the restaurant business. I started at the hostess desk at the age of 16 and worked my way up to General Manager of an establishment by the time I was 22. I was not afraid of working long hard hours. Some jobs I came in at 4:30 a.m…..some jobs I stayed till the wee hours of the morning. On many a New Years Eve, I did both.
They say that the average person has 3 major career changes in life. That is true for me….first was the hospitality industry. Next came mom. I took on the role of motherhood like it was a new career. I worked hard at that, and I pushed hard too. My daughters will tell you that. The 3rd was real estate, I built a business from nothing to being in the top 10 of agents in my 200+ agent office.
Then we moved here and the nest emptied out. Its very quiet here, and sometimes I feel like a fish out of water, flopping around on the ground gasping for air in the silence of the rest. I don’t know what to do with myself somedays. I feel like I’m supposed to be DOING something! I keep finding myself reporting to God all that I have done and taught.
But in my case, no one is coming. This statement brings up a well of tears to my eyes. No one is coming. The kids don’t want to come around anymore, they have families and careers of their own. I’ve never really found friendships here in smalltown USA that I can call my own. Oh, I have acquaintances, but not really friendships. I just don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. Our small town church doesn’t really have Bible studies and when I tried to start a study for women, I ran in to brick walls.
I see the verse that say “But many who saw them leaving recognized them…..” (vs 33) That’s not what its like on this little farm. Its very remote, and sometimes, very lonely. I yearn to be recognized, I yearn for people to come. I hear at this point in my life “sit down….on the green grass….” Mark 6:39
After this feeding of the 5000, Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd. (vs 45). That’s twice Jesus INTENTIONALLY gave the disciples rest. Jesus knew better than they did, the rest required for the journey ahead. Jesus himself went up on a mountainside to pray. (vs 46) before meeting his friends out on the lake.
Like literally, ON the lake! Jesus just walked right on out there when he saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. (vs 48) He just about walked right on past them, but they cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified. (vs 50) Y’all, I confess, sometimes I am terrified. I’m terrified because I feel like I’m missing it. Like, I’m supposed to be doing something, and I just don’t know what it is.
I think about writing a book
I think about becoming more and more self sustaining out here on the farm and selling produce via farm stands or CSA, but farming at that level requires full time work, and I still have a part time job.
I think about starting an Air B & B, but who would stay here, 20 minutes away from the nearest town?
I try to meet my grandchildren’s needs by shopping and doing, but then think I better keep saving for retirement
I think about changing jobs, but then what about our garden and livestock?
I buy books on blogging and then look at other blogs and think, I’m never going to be as good as that….
Oh wait, there it is. I’m never going to be as good as….There’s the overachiever in me. The girl who quit school and is trying to make up for her bad decisions. The young woman who got a DUI at 17 and is still in mentally in recovery. The mom who sometimes pushed a little bit too hard and is trying to heal relationships. The wife who just about failed her marriage and is trying to emotionally still mend. All those failures of the past, just never seem to go away, do they? No matter how many times I cross over to the other side, I get out of the boat, and the crowd of voices telling me that I let them down are chasing me.
I’m never going to be as good as……”who,” Jesus says in my mind “Who are you trying to be better than, Theresa? What are you trying to prove? Do you think you can be and do better than the miracles that Jesus can do? Why is your heart so hard that you can’t see the miracle? How much longer are you going to flail around on this green grass that I’ve given you to sit on? Are you going to accept the forgiveness and redemption that I bought for you or are you just going to keep trying to make up for your past? Can you just rest and accept?”
Lord, you have brought me this far in life after all the horrible lifestyle choices that I made in my years. You are the miracle. You provide for all we need, abundantly! For that I am forever grateful. Teach me to rest, only you can soften my heart. I am creating my own headwind, and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to just rest. I don’t even know what that means, really. People have been coming at my my whole life…and now, its quiet. Help me navigate through this quiet storm.
How do you rest?
Are there mistakes in your past that you just keep trying to fix and make up for?